Notes On: Revealing
Okay, I'll concede - I am hardly inconspicuous. Long red hair, piercings, tattoos, and an obsession with flirting with hot babes online? It doesn't take a high calibre of detective work to join the dots.
I often feel caught between the tension of the freedom, and the risks, of visibility. I find myself calculating what I want to share, what I want to 'keep' for myself, how I should represent my self online. I know that this representation of myself - this blog, my Twitter, the rest of my website - will never express the many facets of who I am.
I'm not the first woman to declare that she contains multitudes, and I certainly won't be the last - most especially in an industry whereby female archetypes dominate the narratives of who we are, who we are expected to be, who we are allowed to be. It's an oxymoron of sorts; attempting to express authenticity authentically, without desperately screaming ‘I'M AUTHENTIC, I PROMISE’ at your followers. This reach for authentic authenticity is made even tricker when you have to cover, blur and erase certain parts of your visual self, in order to feel safe online.
Putting the existential crises and cyber-security risks aside for a second, I've found that there is one hidden advantage to keeping some things concealed. There is a moment during my experiences of an independent escort, however, that I soon learned to revel in. This moment became deeply erotically charged, it made me breathless with anticipation. It's the reveal that happens long before we begin to undress. It’s the moment where we see each other for the first time. And I promise, underneath the pixellated blur, I don't disappoint...
I am often told by suitors that there are two things that surprise them the most when we eventually meet; my eyes, and my smile. It's a rare industry where one's facial features become a hotter commodity than one's - ahem - assets. Keeping things hidden adds a playful element to any interaction, though; I often spend time before dates wondering what you're going to look like, what your voice sounds like, what cologne or perfume do you favour, do your eyes crinkle when you laugh. I wonder if you think the same? Do the description of my blue eyes on my website really do them justice, is my smile as warm in person as it is in photos, or do the selfies not do it justice?
What we reveal about ourselves online is always a little complicated; as much as connecting virtually became a literal lifeline for so many of us over the last two years, the virtual world can often flatten us into algorithmic confinements. Our complexity is caricatured - we soon become to be seen as the person who sent that tweet, or the one who makes these sort of jokes (Dad humour to the front, please). We become captured by the limitations of technology, and believe me, I've got the shadowban history to back this up.
For now, without being able to provide any solutions to this weird and wonderful world we live in, I'll continue to spend hours blurring those parts of me I want obscured, and revealing elements on more private spaces, such as Onlyfans. In the hopes, one day, that we can meet face to face, smile to smile...